I am more than that

Stop calling me beautiful. It won’t mend what was broken and done.

Don’t say I’ve changed. I didn’t. I just see things differently now.

Don’t flatter me with your belated efforts. I guess no matter what you do, it won’t sweeten the bitter tears shed. It won’t colour the yesterdays darkened by longings not met. It won’t repair the damages caused by lies you’ve clothed as promises. It won’t lead you back to the days where I was.

I am not what you drew.

So…

Let go of my soul and find solace in somebody else. I am not the comfortable place you have imagined to be always there for you.

Set your hand free from mine. What you are holding on to is not me.

Spare your days from me. Let go of me. Forget me. And live your life.

Because I am not the beautiful you designed. I am not the rainy nights you are with. I am not the half-hearted efforts you exerted. I am not your reserve.

So…

Stop calling me beautiful.

I am more than that.

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And always

And the sound of the waves talked to me saying, “Child, why are you sad? Don’t be.”

And as if I’ve known the language of the sea all my life, I replied, “Because I’m afraid.”

I wept. Knelt on the sad.

And I thought that the waves just like my peace and my happiness left me. I heard nothing but my cry.

But a laughter from two good souls in a silhouette frame came to my ear, consoling my anxious soul. I looked at them from a distance.

And I felt I’m not alone anymore.

And in an effort to blink away the tears which fell down my cheeks, I’ve heard the waves once more. Yet this time not in the sound of the sea but in the sound of the wind.

And it said, “Child, you may not be able to speak your thoughts in the language of the humans for some moments. But I am infinite. I know all your words even without it leaving your lips.”

And the wind hugged me even if the need to be hugged only occurred in my mind. And my tears fell once more.

And so I looked above.

And I saw the stars looking back at me. And it said, “Like the wind, and the sea, and the waves, I am always looking at you. Even if you don’t look at me. Even if you only see me when your world is dark, I am always. And always. Looking at you.”

And then I looked as far as my eyes can see. And I saw the stars mirrored by the vast sea, and it whispered, “You may see me now as the stars in the sea but I am more than this. I am the wind that hugged you. The sand that fetched you. The laughter that comforted you. And the waves that filled your broken soul. I am Your God. And you are mine. I am the Universe. And I know you. I know all your battles and the tears you’ve cried in the nights. I know all your prayers, even the once you don’t say out loud. I am the every piece of this world and the magnanimous world as a whole. And I have seen what is and what is to become.”

And I closed my eyes feeling the coldness of the wind and the loud crashing of the waves. And the sound of the sea continued speaking through my trembling heart.

And it said, “So child, don’t be afraid. Don’t cry because of fear that everything may have left you. I am the Universe and I am always with you. I am always around even if you don’t call nor recognize me. I will never ever leave you. And I will always be there no matter what.”

And my heart echoed, “Always.”

.

.

.

“And always.”

Today, I’m caught in a routine

My work no longer excites me and I don’t have the same energy as before. In most of my nights I feel terrible for being such a snob to my mom and my siblings. I do not find watching movies nor listening to music enjoyable anymore. I go to Netflix most of the time trying to find happiness but I only find myself opening series or films I do not even finish watching.

Meeting with friends or talking to people bore me. I do not even know what I want to do or eat. I am in a void. I am trapped in an open space. I am not even chained. Yet I still go to work because reality speaks that staying at home being bored doesn’t produce money. I talk to people I usually talk to but it’s a mere casual reaction of an atom who happen to bump another atom.

I already know that life comes in waves, the same goes with feelings and emotions. Sometimes the ocean is still. Sometimes the sky is just blue, no clouds, and no rain. I also know that everything shall pass… even this doubt, hiatus, scare, or I don’t know whatever this is I am having right now.

I just hope to get over this hallow feel. I know that being stuck for a moment just like now doesn’t mean being stuck forever. Perhaps I just want to know or at least get a hint of something exciting than being in a routine.

Maybe I need a break or a little bit of sweets? Even my taste buds which are used to bland plain food now want something that’ll trigger a tonsillitis. A new hair color or a new t-shirt could be a great start, perhaps? Or maybe I should enroll (if that is the term) to a dating site? Or watch movie alone? (But nah, change of mind. Too costly. I need to save). I don’t know. Maybe my faith is shaking or I am just tilted to a wrong  axis? Or maybe I don’t need to tilt? Or maybe I am just imagining I am in an axis? I don’t know.

Oh gosh, Universe please save me. I am caught in a routine and my spontaneous self is caged. I need to be back to the vibes I want to be stuck in—my happy bubbly vibes.

I know that today shall pass and there is a break to this routine. I just need to break this routine. #DowloadingDatingApp   🙂

What’s the point of hiding happiness when it overflows?

Dear God,

 

Thank you

 

Today, I found happiness in the form of a busy schedule, an affirmation from my boss, and a good karaoke shared with a friend.
You know that my days don’t always feel this good. But you lifted me so high that I feel so tireless this day.
 
I want to thank you for the graces, the wisdom, and the good health. You know that I’m trying to stop myself from drinking coffee and it amazes me because two weeks have gone by and I face your mornings with a kick without a cappuccino.
 

 

Earlier, I was in the middle of typing a very important document under time pressure. I was so engrossed in my work because the boss needed it in an hour. When all of a sudden, my laptop died (can’t find a better term). I could have cried or went berserk, but I didn’t. I didn’t know why either because most of my trying times during my younger days, those were my modes of reacting to a problem like that. But I just sat calmly as my laptop started to reboot. Then I went to the secretary’s table, and asked for a copy of our annexes. And now realizing why it happened, it surprises me because had it not happened, I wouldn’t have known that there were two errors in our annexes. Had it not because of my laptop’s automatic update, I wouldn’t have checked our files. My job could’ve been compromised.
While my laptop was still rebooting, I was also talking to my friends online. We were just teasing each other as we are fond of doing things like that and we just felt that that’s what makes our friendship unique. As our conversation went further, I and one of my best friends decided to meet after work. I said yes of course without any hesitation, as to receive a spontaneous invite like that is one of the many ways to grow a small heart like mine. You know that spontaneous travels, talks, giggles, and many more make the crazy me more hyper. And that excited me because to mix music with spontaneity erases all my anxieties caused by over-thinking.
 

 

And so snack time came and the boss started to check my work. I tried to relax but I only managed to look steady. He read and printed my work and allowed me to recheck it. I found two typographical errors and was expecting for a major edit from him. But there was none. Rather, he affirmed my work and congratulated me for a job well done. Everything was so nice to hear that I couldn’t hide the smile in my face. Besides, what’s the point of hiding happiness when it overflows? And that was why the boss treated me and the secretary to a pizza delight. Although I may not be a pizza lover, but I know his intentions were to reward me for the effort. So I am still happy eating a slice which I could even hardly finish.
Then rain started to pour as if there is no tomorrow. It slightly caused me to worry as it might cancel the meet-up with my best friend. But I stopped myself from over thinking before it could kill the good vibes in me. Instead of feeling sad over the rain, I splurged my time chatting with the secretary. Another thing that amazes me Lord is how a friendship can be easily formed… and also broken- but in the office, I found a kind of friendship that doesn’t consider age, or educational attainment, or even status. It was just, just pure friendship. And it is amazing to find a workmate and a friend in times when people are only thinking about what is easy rather than what is right.

 

 

 

Anyway, so four o’clock came and the best friend asked if we’d still go for the hang out. Of course, why not? The rain may seem to frighten my white shoes but when you reach 28 and some of your close friends were now getting engaged while others were already celebrating the second birthday of their second child, no rain could ever spoil a hang out that will ease a bored heart. And so the karaoke started at 5.

It was so fun and was so calming that we didn’t notice two hours has gone. And I have another realization as I write this diary right now: You are such an amazing God, Lord. You remove all my bitterness without me knowing. You replaced my sad tears with good music and new friendships. You removed me from a hurting relationship and introduced me to a fulfilling job. You enlightened me from the truths of this world. You have changed my heart, Lord.

 

And I thank you for always considering me. Again, my days may not be as light like this everyday. But you allow me see things through. You kept me and loved me. You knew how fragile I am despite the strong personality I tend to show. You always care for me. Thank you, Lord. And tonight, I offer You all my past, my future, and my today. I say hallelujah to this day Lord.
For all of these, I pray that my coming days will be more filled with You. So that I could also allow others to see and feel the magic that You have done in me. I love you, Lord.
 
Always,
Steph ❤

Things I love lately

  1. I always love the aroma and taste of coffee, especially when it’s hot. I love it dark and black as its essence is highlighted when its bitter.
  2. I always love listening to random music played on a loud speaker at least for an hour everyday. Songs relating to good vibes then followed by country music really lift my mood.
  3. I love my current job. I get to live ‘the dream’ when I’m in my workplace. I love working on my table analyzing cases. It challenges and motivates me to be someone I really want to be– a lawyer.
  4. I love my long black straight hair. I seldom maintain a long hair as I get easily bored, thus, prompting me to change hairstyles from time to time. Yet I love it when I happen to experience having to comb a longer hair. Because for the record, this is the longest I have had so far.
  5. I love Messenger App lately because it’s the only means I happen to talk to the one I secretly like/love/whatever for a long time. Omo (insert gossip here)
  6. I love my voice recorder. I usually tend to forget things. And there are times when my boss tells me to do or write something. Although yes, I listen to his instructions and write it on my ‘to do’ notebook, but in reality, I mix match everything. And when the output comes, not surprisingly, things end up wrong. So thanks to the power of technology, when the boss gives instructions as fast as lightning, my recorder saves the day. All I have to do is to record everything and poof, it’s coco crunch!
  7. Lastly, I love WordPress. Who would’ve thought that this could become my online diary? I mean I could write everything I wanna write here and its features are just awesome. This is one of my best outlet so far and everything is just manageable.

So dear friends, for now, here are my seven lovely things that I love doing. I could’ve made the list longer but I am getting hungry thinking of the other lovely things I love. And I’m going to the salon to have a hair cut. Ironic yes, because I love my hair long, but no, I’m just having a trim. Til next time. Adios.

The thing about smiling

Smiling makes you feel beautiful. It makes you feel as though you are the prettiest in a room of strangers. It somehow boosts your confidence without a great effort on your part, as it creates a ripple effect on the one you are smiling to—they smile back at you.

Smiling makes you feel light. When you wear it, the same makes you feel like a feather although you personally weigh more than fifty kilos. You somehow appear to float in the eyes of the one who received it. And in the lightness of the mood it makes you feel, at some point it creates a vibe of positivity which you unconsciously resonate. Without you knowing, the room is now filled with good feels.

Smiling tricks your mind as though you can do anything. But only seldom know about this trick. Interestingly, it’s as if it imposes a reaction from the recipient. It’s like a ball flipped in the air, it bounces back. And the moment you realize the wonderful effect it produces, you no longer want to hide it. You now feel that it’s your greatest weapon against all the toxic sins.

If smiling can be considered as a fashion statement, it is one that can be worn by anybody. It doesn’t require a certain body size nor take into consideration a person’s height. It suits whatever age we are in and it never goes out of style. Its a lifetime subscription we can always use. And although this is not a secret, but only a few knows that it’s for free.

Indeed, smiling is a blessing everybody can share. It’s a gift we can always give to anybody. It’s a luxury we can share even if we are a nobody.

Yet only a few experience the magic of smile. Or perhaps they tend to forget that they always have it in them; that all they have to do is to move their lips a little and show more teeth?

Seriously, smiling is like a disease everybody wants to feel. It’s contagious. But it’s not deadly.

A Letter to My Bored Self

Better days are coming.

It is not always that you have to feel as bored as today. This day may be one of those days wherein you wish you were trekking or sunbathing or just plain laughing with friends, but you aren’t. But believe me, when the time comes that your world would run as fast, you would wish that perhaps you would turn out to be as bored as this.

You might feel like there is no end to watching tv shows or youtube videos or facebook blank browsing, but one day you would wish that maybe if time could retroact, you might as well be teleported to a moment like this. 

So do not fret if you are all alone in a big room, lying in bed, writing a blog post as if it is your infinite end. 

Do not fret if you have all the time feeling envious of your facebook friends, liking almost every angle of their summer escapade while you are trapped in your room with only your cellphone as your buddy. 

Do not fret if thereafter, you would grab your guitar and try to compose a song just because there is nothing left to do: you have finished all the household chores, you have no dust to wipe, no trash to throw, and no broken things to fix. 

Literally. Just do not fret. Boredom is part of life. And trust me, you will miss this phase. And as the days go by, really, you would wish you are back to being bored. 

So savour your boredom girl. It’s not everyday you are bored!